Emotional Shrapnel

Have you ever met someone who seems "fine" after a major life event—smiling, engaging lightheartedly with others, and even saying they’re perfectly okay—yet you sense there’s more beneath the surface? This is often the impact of Emotional Shrapnel: the lingering, often unconscious effects of past trauma or emotional pain.

This weekend, I was reminded of this, when I met an acquaintance (someone I know, but not well) at a year-end function. She had undergone surgery just 10 days earlier to remove a melanoma. A friend had mentioned this to me and shared that she was doing well.

I sought her out at the event and asked how she was doing. Her response was as bright and bubbly as her personality:
"I’m absolutely fine! The cut is healing beautifully—it’s fantastic."

She even showed me photos of her scar, emphasising how well it was mending. On the surface she appeared cheerful, upbeat, and "bright-eyed."
But something told me to dig a little deeper.

I gently asked, "Do you need anything?" She smiled and said no. Then, I offered her a free coaching session to help process "this trauma". I also mentioned that I’d heard her mother had passed away from melanoma years earlier.

For the first time, she fell silent. That silence spoke volumes.
By labeling her experience as trauma, I gave her permission to acknowledge her emotional reality. She leaned into the moment, realising that while her physical body was healing, her emotional well-being also needed attention.

Why Emotional Shrapnel Matters
This is the subtle, but persistent pain left behind by past experiences—loss, fear, or grief—that can shape our responses to new challenges.

Emotional shrapnel isn’t always obvious, but it can show up in subtle ways:
* A trigger that causes unexpected tears
* A tendency to dismiss our feelings because "others have it worse."
* An inability to celebrate progress fully because of lingering fear or "what-ifs."

How to Help Others Process Emotional Shrapnel
As leaders and friends we have opportunities to help others recognise and process emotional shrapnel. Here are three ways...

1. ‍‍Ask Beyond the Surface
   Don’t stop at “How are you?” Listen for what’s unspoken and create space for honesty. Questions like, "How are you really feeling?" can open the door for deeper connection.
2. Name the Experience
   Sometimes, people need permission to label what they’re going through. Using words like trauma or grief can validate their feelings and encourage reflection.
3. Offer Thoughtful Support
   Whether it’s a coaching session, a listening ear, or simply being present, thoughtful gestures can help someone take their first steps toward healing.

Emotional shrapnel doesn’t have to hold us back. With awareness, compassion, and the right tools, we can help ourselves and others Bounce Forward™—not just physically but emotionally, mentally, and to build greater resilience, clarity, and a renewed sense of purpose.

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